Here we go again... Okay, so as the days go by and I have to rehash everything that was said and the fact that a lot of things are rehashed, I'm exhausted. I don't know exactly how to restate previous responses to past issues you've had, not with me and with me, you brought up again. I know how it is when you are trying to understand why certain things are the way they are. "What happened?" I started taking into account the idea of ïf everyone else seems to be crazy, maybe you're the crazy one." Not necessarily "crazy,"but you get the gist.
I think I will start with my statement, "you don't know me." Your response to that is that for the last four years you have had to deal with health issues and family issues by yourself and that I was going around saying mean things about you. So, despite what other people tell you about me, of course "you don't know me."
Well, let's see. I believe I was around, even tried staying with you when I felt I had nowhere safe to go and was at my lowest in a long time. I was trying to figure out what to do with my life. "Why am I here?" You were not working and I was not working, nor not mentally stable enough to work. I was trying not to be a burden as I felt I was everywhere I stayed. You decided to kick me out and took back your key. I tried to tell you exactly what I was doing, because you asked me to do something and I hadn't done it. You called me a liar. I found out later you were telling other people I lied to you as well. You were not working and I was not working, nor not mentally stable enough to work. Eventually I ended up in a shelter, then renting a room. I did not speak with you again until I was in the hospital after a bad reaction to some medication. About 7 months. You visited me one time and you wanted your kids, family together in one house. I said no. You took care of getting most of my stuff from my landlord, which I did not want. I know you were working, and I wanted to see your family, but, you have to admit, some would have caused less issues than others. Honestly, I would have been okay with noone from your side coming. I don't blame the kids, but I don't like anyone disrespecting my mom. Even myself. I hate when I get to the point of being loud or not speaking to someone, because I decided to stick up for myself, and they get mad. You also told me that you and God are the ones who brought everyone together for me. Not that I don't appreciate every last person that came to visit or sent encouragement, because I do. I felt you were making some really bold statements I felt more like a burden when I came to visit to see your family when I first got out. I remember moving the kids away from your cigarette smoke. That's all I told them about you. You got mad when your friend came to visit and I didn't come back over to say "hi." Then got mad when I told you I wasn't sure it was her, or else I would have. Also, she could have come over to me. I felt you acted like I wasn't using a cane and still healing. I didn't do anything for pity or attention. I didn't want anything like what did to happen at all, it did and I got off that medicine. I tried to explain that understanding my family's boundaries is not necessary to respect them. That it's not your families fault, but it failed to be understood. I wasn't on good terms with them before then anyways. Without you, I wouldn't have stopped using that cane. That very day, you dropped me off and once again said ÿou knew for a fact" that I wasn't doing what I said, calling me a liar, even though you couldn't see, because i was using the window. I hopped out and quickly moved to the door, once again feeling I wasn't important, what was going on with me was not important and for some reason you decided to even consider what I was saying.
I am not going through everything again, but between that and me coming to you for advice about a specific situation I didn't understand, later, I was done. This conversation brought out all these emotions at once, hence me being dumbfounded. I don't know, maybe because of your past choices, you forget a lot more than you think. I try to be understanding and patient, but, in order to do that, and not be mean or rude, I have to limit contact. I don't want your sympathy, I want my dad. I want to be able to go to you for advice without being forced to tell you someones name when it doesn't matter. I want you to come to my events without forcing my other guests to tell them everything about relationship. I want to be able to tell you where I live without you coming over uninvited. I want to be able to forget the times you weren't so nice to me. When I felt stood up when we were supposed to go to your cousins funeral or to a christmas party, I don't remember, but I didn't find out until later, after saying something, you'd had a lot of obstacles and couldn't get a hold of me one time and the other, because you said my car was not in the lot. I would like you to consider me, my feelings enough to ask me how I am doing and trying to understand not just tell me I am messed up, wrong and not listening to you.
It started out I was trying to share what was going on with me, you didn't have to agree, nor offer, to give me anything but love and respect. I feel if anyone might understand would and help me through my fears it would be you, because I was there when you'd had your accident and drove you around, even though I was just learning.
Anyway, as far as church is concerned, I visit on occasion where I want, when I want. I've heard many people tell me it's not about the people, church is for the sick and lost, you go for the message, etc. I was in a very traumatic situation, brainwashing is serious business, but since I've gotten my senses back, I see it in a lot of supposedly safe situations. I'm still working through what I should expect, versus what I do expect. For the most part, ÿou will know them by their fruit" sticks out to me. I wasn't trying to share anything you don't know, just trying to share my thoughts. Which should be okay. When I go, sometimes I don't have a problem with the leaders, nor the people. Sometimes I don't agree with the teachings, beliefs, so I don't go back. I try not to say anything bad anymore, express my opinions, out of respect. Sometimes I did, or do, out of fear that someone's being mislead. Coming out of a cult and seeing patterns that lead you to blindness can trigger a response to fight or flee. I wanted to share so much with others that I've learned. Part of the point of this blog. Noone in my family has really asked me what went on, what happened when I moved to help plant the church in another city. I had convictions, I had biblical backing, etc for what I did and believed, but I was wronged and still wronged. I was accused of lieing and stealing. When I did have work I was working about 4 jobs at one time, sacrificing a lot of the little I had for the church and its people. I've regretted a lot and I am still trying to overcome a lot and try to remind myself, I'm different. Sometimes I just say stuff to express myself or bring understanding about where I am coming from. Not for someone to feel bad for me.
Now... because I don't want to do anymore...men.
Another reason I started this blog.
That person, man, that I didn't know why I still had feelings for and tried to reach out to you for help about, influenced some of the work on here. I don't even really know him, but something happened. I don't know what or how, but it did. While talking to you, a calm came over me to help me get out my feelings about the way your were treating me at the time, without exploding. There are people out there that I don't know, trying to catch me up in something I've never been interested in. They lie and cheat people to get what they want. Last time I was at your house I knew that you were caught up in the bewitchment that has come over pretty much everyone.
I don't know who to go to about relationships. The married people and families I used to hang around, seem to not want to be around me anymore. The single people I hung around just stop coming around as well. I try to talk to guys who approach me first with as much respect as possible. My mind goes through a lot of emotions trying to process the situation. I don't know how to handle it past being nice and not rude. This may include them comparing them to men in my family, good or bad. I would've like to married and had children by now, but that hasn't happen and at this rate I don't see it happening. I've had people send there kids my way and start saying lewd comments and just unbelievable. I believe me saying "no" to some guy when I hadn't been out of the church very long, or even before, has lead to this sad parenting issue. Just disgusting. I had someone call me from a phone number I did not know, claiming I called there for a "Michael" who was 17. I didn't know who they were talking about and they couldn't tell me anythinhg. Then I kept getting calls where kids where calling. This happened after a guy named Tony who lived on holyoke, I know because I saw his DL, was asking all these questions at a club. My car had been broken into repeatedly and I was looking for someone, the one I asked you about. He said something that triggered a thought in my head that he may know something about it. All the time someone was somewhere behind us watching, gave us beers, which I didn't drink and all kinds of crazy stuff. Before the church I pushed guys away for the most part, I had men trying to talk to me in hs and college and i wasn't trying to be caught up, but I didn't want to push anybody away anymore. You did enough of that by always coming to school and disuading anyone from even talking to me like that. I only dated in the church and could only date guys in the church. Even when I liked someone there I didn't know how to handle it. My closest friend I told reminded me of my abuser, only because he was light skinned and athletically built. He adored me, gave me gifts and wrote me poetry on paper he crafted, which I wish I still had. They were put in the trash when my mom moved out of her apartment. I found out he died in a police shootout in 2014. I had written him a note when I got my first apartment and was not in the church, because I'd found his address in California. I came back home from the church plant because I had an overwhelming feeling like the person I was supposed to marry wasn't there, nor in the church, but in my past at least. I was depressed and was trying to work through it and with everything else going on, felt I had to leave, not necessarily the church itself, just that city.
I miss being around families and especially kids. I miss the peace and joy they bring into a life.
I don't know what's happened. But I do know, I never have and never will be like my first offender, abusing, raping, mating up. Never. I am attracted to grown men, otherwise, especially if I even think they are younger, they are just someones kid to me. They could be my kid if things went according to my plan. But now, I feel I can't trust anyone, have indiscribable things happening to me. Which, in honesty, I feel could be explained to me if someone got balls (not necessarily you, just in general) and would just tell me that someone has it out for me so my thoughts, prayers emotions are spread out in ways that make no known sense. I'm tired of being watched and taunted at work, the store, home, wherever because someone's being allowed to do so. I call the police. I went to them when I felt I was being stalked. Both males and females are manipulating my life and the people around me. Even to the point of moving near me and pushing there misinformation on others. I see people and what they do. This is one way I handle it. One thing I've seen is, nevermind, I won't say, because, even with all their evil manipulative ways, God still works things out for His Good.
I don't know why all this has happened, but it has. At times I feel it's the church trying to set me up because I left. The church provided forgetting, not healing.
So, it's not that you don't have your own issues and I have not been defensive with you, said bad things about you [side note, I only answered the kids moms questions and don't remember ever saying that you weren't going to take care of them], but I would think about how I'm not acting any different with you than I did as a kid. I don't know what to expect so I stay on the defense. You're not the only man, or person, in my life I am on the defense with. I feel betrayed by a lot of people for reasons I don't know, other than the whispers in their ear, the "little birdy" as your mom would put it.
p.s. You asked me once, while in the presence of your girlfriend at the time, I hate other people being around when I feel something personal is requested of me. Especially anything to do with romantic relationships. I could see in your eye, you were reaching for something. But, there was another with the same nickname as your mom, but nobody was to use that name, because his mom didn't like it. I didn't give another nickname until hs or beyond. He is my age and I don't know him anymore, nor his family. Been the time we met, went different ways, and came in contact again, I never thought of him romantically nor angrily.
Anyways, after all these things, this is where the rest of the blog comes in. Things would be so much better if people just didn't go along and believe imposters who don't even really know me, or know someone else with my name and just assume they are telling the truth. Just give me some time.
Love you unconditionally,
I'm am not a licensed