I want to share some things with you, but I will have to wait until I get my scanner going. I have pictures & poems I made from back in the mid-90's and up. I really can't believe all that I've been through, that so much of my life continuously repeats itself. The good thing about healing is that you stop repeating the negative things eventually. I want you to keep that in mind. Nobody's perfect and "perfect" is relative. A good thing is to have goals, long term & short term. Something to look forward to & to work for, focus on. It's easy to get distracted. I know this for sure. I know that things may seem hard, but they may get better if you fight for yourself. Surround yourself with those that will fight for you.
Everybody's story is different. One thing I've learned is that victims stay victims until they get into survivor mode. Similar to the situation I posted in my "Boundaries" definition. We unknowingly repeat ourselves, for one reason or another. Don't beat yourself up, just reevaluate. Work hard on being different, get the help you need. Focus on loving you & building you up. Maybe removing yourself from the situation. Don't go telling everybody what happened, no matter how much you may want to. Trusting too easily is a problem. People will smile in your face only to wait until you turn around so they can stab you in the back & spread your business.
Build your instincts, trust them. Pray, believe, trust in God. Know you are worthy of love, honor & respect. You are a human being, not a rag doll, a toy, to be used & mistreated, then tossed away.
I believe in you, if that matters, I pray for you, even though I may never see you or know your name.
My heart aches at how much people have lost touch with being human, with loving & cherishing one another in a respectful matter. The devil plants seeds if we let him. For the victim those seeds can be doubt, fear, misunderstanding of our own worth on this planet. They can also be the seeds of the evil being passed from perpetrator to victim where the victim becomes the perpetrator. They think that's the way it is & that's the way it's supposed to be. The difference is if the victim starts to realize or they are taught, nope, that's not it. That's not the way it's supposed to be & you can stop the cycle. Be it domestic violence, that turns into bullying, then into abuse & more domestic violence or something else. You can be the end, rid yourself of that demon & make a difference.
You may already be in survivor mode & not know it. Setting goals for yourself, little victories & big ones, will help you acknowledge that you are fighting in survivor mode. Don't be afraid if it's been a while & you are still in victim mode. It does take time. You just have to give yourself that & keep pushing forward. That's the decision you have to make. I had all kinds of counseling for different reasons. Even a little bit dealing with the abuse. Only thing, nobody actually explained to me that my behavior was normal behavior for my situation. It amazes me, over 30 years I have lived with what the past has built in me & I am just now getting the proper attention & respect I need to grow out of the cycle of the unknown. I'm grateful that I did not become all my abusers, etc. Also, that I had friends & family that were honest with me about my attitude, even when they thought I wasn't listening. Those that didn't notice I was listening & trying, I believe just didn't understand that they could come to me & that I was trying. I did things that I didn't understand. I acted out in ways I never thought I would. I was a hot mess. So they let me fall on my face, figuratively & on my back literally.
Not dealing with issues can have a great affect on your health. Depression, anxiety, anger not expressed, panicking, hate, all those things are just as bad has a good laugh & happy thoughts are good. So here is where I want to leave you, in a happy place.
You can. You are not alone. You just have to keep moving forward. You will be afraid sometimes. You will be confused sometimes. You may forget the simplest things sometimes. You just have to keep moving forward & know that you are headed towards a wonderful, life changing goal.
Take time out today to do something nice for you. Even if it's staring at the clouds, looking for a rainbow, bunnies, hearts, whatever. Know you are worth at least that & more.
I'm am not a licensed