We go through life, the good and the bad and we either learn or repeat until we've learned to stop repeating. Hopefully not the hard way, but for most it usually is. I didn't really have a plan to write today, but I shall. I am still dealing with my anxiety and depression on this new level. I love myself a lot and am aware of the issue. Therefore, I am having to put myself first. I have let go of trying to protect everyone I know from whatever may be out there. It's impossible. I am not God, Jesus, not even an archangel, so, I'll give it up to the people and them.
This accident, like I've said before, has been God working in mysterious ways. It's the only way I can describe it. Because, I'm not where I would like to be mentally, physically nor financially. With my family, friends or otherwise. But, I know, God knows what He is doing. I've had to be forced to be still. It's a struggle, because I am very independent. Mainly because He has taken care of me while I didn't want to be a burden to anyone else. Call it stumbling pride that's lead to a certain humility or call it being "Godsmacked." I put it that way because they are one of my favorite groups. I had every cd for a minute. They helped me emotionally wake up to the nonsense of the church I was in when I first came across them.
Can we just talk about music and how it impacts our lives for a minute? I have probably mentioned it before, but maybe you're new to the site and haven't heard. I know that music and writing have helped me a lot in my journey. One reason I keep doing this, mostly in the hopes of helping others while helping myself. I know I am not alone. Maybe I'll repeat on journaling and writing another day. I did add a new YouTube video list that includes a how-to video for making your own notebook. There are a few more I have on a different list I will add to this list. It's not just those, but different sewing projects as well. Something to do.
Anyway, I listen to various types of music. I started listening to Godsmack when I was babysitting an infant for her mom and dad while they worked. The dad was a salon owner and the mom I met when I temp'd at a police station. They were a great couple of people. I was working a lot, but my assignment at the police station was done and they'd moved. She just had her baby, but had to go back to work. Sitting there with the baby, I'd watch all kinds of animated movies. It was the first time I'd seen the movies with Little Foot, "Land Before Time." She really liked that one, so we watched it often. Well, a lot was going with me as a result of being in the church. The city was full of nice people, I got to meet a lot of nice people, I don't remember them all. But, somewhere I started to wake up to a lot of bad things that were happening. Things that just didn't make sense to me. But I was confused and didn't really know or realize what was going on in my head, my heart and my life. High anxiety, panic attacks while "reaching out," or trying to anyway. Flashbacks and interjections. I kept dreaming my friend from high school was coming to give me a hug an leaving. He was a great guy and I appreciated it and felt a lot better when I woke up after such a dream. I miss those dreams, especially now. I journaled and wrote a lot, too. Some are archived in earlier posts.
There's a song in "Land Before Time" that Little Foot's mom sings to him. If I heard it I would remember it. If I can find it I will update with a link to it or mention it later. But I cried. I actually cried. I hadn't been and it was a lot. As I sang it to the baby, I started missing my mom and my family, a lot. They weren't that far, but I saw them just about as much as when I was living in the same city with my mom. The church was my life. It's good, great, to be involved in something with people who care about you and your family and want to do good things. It's bad when people who lead those people take advantage of those that have hearts they have broken and softened (gaslighting). People that don't really help to anyone's advantage but their own.
Backing off that subject, the Dad had some great cd's. I believe, besides Godsmack, he had Destiny's Child's cd with NO NO NO, Seven Mary Three and I don't quite remember who else. Well, he would let me borrow them and I would sleep with them on. Not a good idea when listening to Godsmack I realize, because of the chanting and the drums, probably, but they were my fave. I started wanting kids of my own, to be married, but it wasn't happening, hadn't happened and, at that rate, I didn't think it was going to. That's my music memories for that time, besides getting free cassettes at the record store that included Disturbed's "Bodies." So lucky!!! ( :-) Guess I needed to change the subject, please excuse me.)
So many things happened in that time, my cousin at some point sent me a cd of popular songs and it was great, but also reminded me of home. Sometimes God is moving in ways we just don't understand. For instance, if you knew just how funny and ironic the current videos on the YouTube Playlists page were, you'd probably think I planned it. But, I did not. Didn't even think about it. I really don't know much of anything between now and being in the church, except, I got out. Music took me through and out of the situation. It's taken me through some more crazy and bad situations before and after that. "Grown folks business," some would say. Not happy about it, because I wasn't happy or loving anyone at a point after, but, it's brought me here to you. To a point I never thought I would get. A point the church never even thought to help me through, nor find out about. I'd gotten some help before, but no one ever tells you what to expect or what to be aware of. You have to go to someone that understands the type of abuse or assault you have been through. Actually dealt with it and or learned about it themselves. Otherwise there's a whole lot missing.
This is another reason I am here. For you, for me. Speak out until someone who cares and can really put time into you, helps you. If you need some ideas check out my Resources page. I pray the best for you and yours in this world. Thanks for taking time out for me. Don't forget you can follow me on social media. The links are at the bottom of the menu column.
I'm am not a licensed