Man, my life is in a rough spot right now. These past ten to twelve years or more have been one big tumble down hill. I know I'm not alone. It's been so hard just to keep my mind straight, but I can no longer pretend everything is "fine." I think we've all seen the world's changing and rebirth. It's like history has somehow repeated itself, the good and the bad, over this last decade. From the plagues in the old testament to civil rights issues.
I believe we were just headed towards this for a while. Like some great scheme. It's hard enough to trust when you've been hurt by people you know. But when it comes from those you don't, but have to or have no idea about, you feel more vulnerable and ineffective. Helpless. I didn't grow up paying a lot of attention to politics. I remember liking Jimmy Carter for his smile. Having a "Read My Lips" bumper sticker from the Bush Campaign in my school locker. Regan getting shot. I lived in DC when I first went to college. As I've gotten older, I've paid more and more attention. The rose colored glasses are coming off and I'm finally seeing the world more realistically.
This is a scary time for me. My personal life, where I am mentally and physically. The state of this country, from my state throughout whole world. I think we are going to be more shaken up than ever.
As I listen to sworn in President Trump, something I never thought would happen, I pray. God allows things to happen for a reason. He knows the hearts and plans and abilities of each and every one of us. He asks that we pray for those in authority, no matter who it may be. Also, that He's in charge of who's in charge of us. If I remember correctly, this came from the people's need for a tangible leader. I've said and done a lot of things in response to not knowing the whole picture. Only to regret not trusting God and putting things in His hands. Now I'm different.
I purposely pray including praying in submission to God's will and desires. I have to trust Him, because humans have failed. Not to say everyone is untrustworthy or corrupted inside, but the few have pretty much done it for me. I tell you, after this last car accident and all that I'm going through as result, I'm mentally unable to handle things the way I used to. My anxiety was already raising, now, I'm doing good to walk out my front door. I don't know if it's hereditary, a generational curse or what.
Just being honest, as I try to be with things. Just the thought of driving, going to the store, the doctor, is terrifying. I can't believe it's happening to me. I like to be out and about visiting friends and family, but I feel everything is being stripped from me. I never planned on being sick, neither physically nor mentally. Have my parents just ignore me, friends and acquaintances just drop off the Earth. I do still have people in my life and I'm grateful. Right now I need their encouragement more than anything. A good hug. A laugh. A thought. It doesn't even have to be directed at me. But I'm tired. Tired of being beaten physically and mentally and metaphorically in life. It's like it was a waste of time being nice and caring. Makes me want to go back to that church for the community and worship. Makes me, at the same time, want to be mean and uncaring as I had become after leaving that church. I just want to get away from here and stay away.
I don't know what is going to happen or what I need to do. I have to give it up to God for no other reason than He has shown me I'm not in control, but I need to control myself. The bible talks of God being the one who softens and hardens hearts. God is the one that gives Satan permission to sift us as wheat. So I've submitted and He's helping me through it. Like a parent who grounds you from watching TV and gives you something else to do while not watching it themselves until you're in bed. Lessons to be learned.
I saw this yesterday as I was on Twitter via @ObamaFoundation (www.obama.org). It's exactly how I feel about things overall. This craziness has forced us to focus on what's important and to forge through what we have been forced into.
I hope and pray the best for me and you all. Remember there is nothing new under the sun. We all bleed red. We all need each other. Be patient. Listen and consider. Take a break. Love you so you can love others. Put God's will first. Do not judge another's convictions or beliefs. We are all put here for a reason. Live your life and trust God to consider you when you consider Him.
I'm am not a licensed