Thought of the day

Crazy ice cream stories are collaborated to make one delicious treat.1998

Honestly, I've been having a rough few mornings. Waking up to what some would call nightmares, lucid dreams. I don't like them, especially when they are disturbing my sleep pattern & messing up my day. I know when you suffer big trauma, they happen, but also when you suffer "little" traumas, they can interrupt you as well. I keep going over & over in my head, now that I have a better understanding as to what rape/sexual assault/abuse is as well as how that & the other abuses & neglect have suffered, it brings more turmoil.

As victims/survivors we are told, either by the abuser, someone in denial/who doesn't care, or even ourselves, that it wasn't what it was. That did not happen to me. It must have been my fault. I was not caring & wasn't taking care of myself, so I deserved it. Things like this run through my mind & until I started realizing the truth, I continued to have the same issues, either with the same or different person(s). Differentiating between what I actually wanted & what I was told I wanted is a struggle. As well as having to detach yourself from those that you've come to trust & care about, even though they've not treated you right. I don't mean just the attacker or abuser, I also mean those in your life that can't handle you taking back your life.

It gets really hard sometimes, when you have to sit there & tell yourself, no one needs to hear about this or no one really cares. But the truth may be that no one knows how to handle the situation, unless they are going through counseling with you, or for themselves. You just can't let these separations keep you from healing. Just try to stay has honest & forthright as you can. You never want to give too much detail, if any. It could be the wrong person. I've said it before, because I've done it before. You may trigger something terrible in them, that something may even be to use what they know to their advantage. Against you, your own words, so that they have some kind of control over you. If you do make a wrong judgement, do not beat yourself up about it. Make sure to tell your self, you are learning. That's what all of it is, a learning process, reprogramming your behavior & thinking. It's not easy, especially not doing it all alone, which may have to be the case until someone who really cares, understands, can & wants to help becomes available. But, don't give up. Keep pushing forward.

Just like this site, I've made it before & deleted it. I felt I had said too much, hurt others, etc. I don't plan on taking this one down. I plan on growing it. It's taking over 30yrs for me to get the real help I needed & I want to encourage others that help is out there. I think of the article I posted on my site Facebook page noted below. On top of 30yrs, it took about a dozen doctors & a few counselors/social workers, to get me to where I am. I told 3 family members plus 1 was told by a counselor, who then proceeded to tell an additional family member, before, now I've added a few more since.

I've told at least 1 very wrong person in person & 1 person got a journal of mine. Now I am here, telling you all.  Yes, even before now, in my 30's, I still became a victim twice more. I was also self destructive. I also know, now, that one of those 2 afflicted me in a way I can never get rid of. I'd gone to the doctor, knowing something was very wrong, but she didn't test for anything. I tried to address it, but nobody ever has anything, or so they say, I've learned. It breaks my heart. Makes me feel even more damaged at times, no matter how good my body is actually doing now. I get disgusted with the bastard. He said he was a demon. Now I know.

I've known survivors who have had to choose whether to keep a child or not. That is a very difficult & personal decision that only the survivor can make. I say survivor, because it's a part of the healing process that requires great strength. No one can judge anyone on whether a survivor decides to keep/adopt out/abort the child conceived in rape. I'm not dying & I'm not going to kill anyone. Actually I'm doing pretty good. I still don't know if I would rather have had to been able to choose or not.

With that said, you have to be aware as you fight for yourself to no longer being a victim, but a survivor. You must not give up, but keep fighting, because it's a hard trek. Remember you are strong. You can do this. It's not your fault. Seek a solution, be an answer & a hope to yourself first. By doing so, you may touch anothers life as well. I'm praying for you.

Post by The Maine Deal.