I've been working through a lot of things lately and it's a daily fight. Sometime last night, I don't even know what did it. I had a revelation. I got a deeper understanding of why I start feeling out of control and, therefore the need to try to control everything else around me. It seems to have been rooted in a habit or hobby, whatever you'd call it, I have had since I was little.
I am an inquisitive person, I just like to collect information sometimes. I used to enjoy being outside, looking out windows and people watching. I guess you can include watching tv and reading. I even wrote a poem about certain situations for a creative showcase put on by WASAC for Sexual Assault/Child Abuse Awareness Month, April.
I used to look at other kids and homes, etc and wondered what their life was like. What they ate, how they slept, how comfortable they were. I realize as I got older and after years of being in the church, I started becoming jealous, envious and not understanding why my life was not like the peoples I hung around. I kept trying to get myself together, but I was too worried about getting others together, their happiness. I wasn't being listened to, so, I became more demanding, adamant and argumentative. For no good reason. I couldn't admit I was wrong while in the heat of conversation. I kept getting my ideas squashed and my heart broken. I kept trying to be there for those I cared about.
I started feeling incomplete. I hadn't completed any secondary education goals, I was still single, still in debt, still childless, still not like everybody else. I tried to be like them. Live vicariously through them, etc. Bad ideas abounded. I was unhappy and unaware of how much I hated everyone and everything, including myself. I was walking outside of God's guidance and that was my first mistake. Doubting then not believing in Him.
The depression manifested into anger, after another assault and other unclear and some similar situations I started to realize I was letting myself be ignored and disrespected. I could apologize for so many things and received not one apology. I still don't. I was watching Andrew Womack on television last night and he spoke of living in Faith, beyond fears and doubts. Well, I have fought over and over again. God remains faithful and I am willing to submit to His Will. I just am too tired to fight through my emotions. After all I've done for people, I guess I was too weird and too mean or for myself and naive. They just started separating themselves from me, one by one. Maybe not so dramatically, but that's what it feels like.
I never thought I would be at this point. I was the strong one. Comforting my cousin at our uncle's funeral. Encouraging people in the romantic and educational dreams.
I'm definitely not a good match maker, but I got in the middle of some things. It's harder when you care about both sides and it doesn't work out, but then God steps in and it's all good. For myself things were different.
Have you ever seen "Cable Guy" starring Jim Carrey? I think of my life education kind of like that. I had started absorbing and believing just about any and everything I read, saw and heard. I was empty, trying to fill a space that I couldn't understand. I don't know what switch went off or why, but I hope that it's time has past.
My fears, my ability to trust, my strength and fight is at it's weakest and I am dealing with it, pretty much alone. I'm beyond hiding behind the smiles with some kind of advice. I'm beyond fake cheers and admiration. I'm so beyond, people don't believe me when I say, "I don't know." I don't know much about dating, meeting people, building healthy relationships, except what I've learned the last few years. I come here and share, the good and the not so good. I still don't share everything. I love too much and care too much, but not so much that I will put myself out there for someone to just readily hurt. Baby steps. Four years I've worked on this site off and on. I don't have much to show for anything, because of disorganization and bad prioritizing skills. And, putting others before myself.
I don't wish to leave you on a bad note or anything like that. I just had to do what I originally came here for. To get stuff out and to encourage others to do the same. I strive to live and do what I can, despite my current physical and mental limitations. I'm looking to fill that space again. This time, I'm trying to focus on God, purposefully. That's the hole in my heart that is most important. I think of Job and how God allowed Satan to take away much, but after many losses and rebuking, Job received more than he lost in it's place.
So, with that said, I hope the best for you and yours. I am building out a regular schedule and themes for posting. If you out there and have anything to say, now is the time. Please comment below, send me a message or email me. Otherwise, check me out on Instagram, Pinterest, Twitter or any of my other social media pages listed in the menu section.
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