Why are you reading this?
Who knows. Maybe you just want to see how fucked up I am.
Or maybe, just maybe, you want to see just how fucked up you are.
What you will realize though, is that everything is all fucked up and nobody really gives a shit
about you or anyone else.
So, how does it feel?
Well, if they don't care, why should you?
People care about their cars, their jobs, their kids, their lawns.
Surely, somewhere in there, one of those people could care about you.
If not, why bother?
You know what? I can't change the way I have this typed in,
but I have changed my thinking about myself, life & everyone else. I had to go back to God & let me tell you,
I was fighting a whole lot of Evil, which I also was denying.
I always tell people the Devil doesn't like to be ignored, he'd rather just have you
to believe there is no God, no god. I've had quite a fight on my hands.
God was waking me up to reality, to remember all the good things He had
done for me, before I decided neither of them existed.
When I wrote this poem, I had just started feeling that way. For a long time
I felt I had divorced God. I don't know why I didn't take note then.
Because, that's what I'd done, just divorced my Faithful One.
He was my loving Father when I had none. My protector & provider when I had none.
He was my guiding force, The One who got me through each day.
Whether I was forced into a corner by one person for one thing
or hit by another person for another.
Whether I was being bullied by some dome girls or
I was trying to be happy that at least I had some clothes.
I hope you don't know how it is, but I pray, if you do,
that God has brought light & hope into your life.
I used to beat myself up mentally, wondering, "how could I forget?"
Well, being in a "church/cult" kind of puts everything about you & your past,
whether you've dealt with it, or not, on the back burner.
I'm sure this is true for more people than not.
It took this fight to make me understand God's grace & mercy, which
we didn't really talk about after dealing with past sin.
There was not really any spoken of if something happened. Missed the point & a lot
of people were pushed back into the world & shunned. Including myself.
I got out, but it took some really bad things & a lot of waking up before I became aware
of how bad it was. I was baptized in the church 10/1994, which I do accept as my real baptism, because I knew what
I was doing it for.I was there until about 3/2001, I really left about 2/2001.You might notice
a lot of drawings & writings
I still have are from
that time period.
My family went through
a lot without me & I regret that.
I realized a lot, but not until totally feeling the way this poem is showing for about 5 to 6 years
after it was written.
This is why I do this now, why I talk about God & Christ & how important He really is to me.
When feel you have no one, He is still there, we just have to stop & listen sometimes.
I no longer want to make anybody think the way I do or feel the way I do, or have.
I want them to love themselves. I am going to care for them & do what I can for them.
I just have to make sure I am loving myself first, after God, because I will
lose myself again,
in someone or something.
I never ever want to put anyone in control of me like that again.
Then they will take that & use it to their own advantage, using it against you.
It can get better, but you have to find someone who will fight for you, until
you can fight for yourself,
then fight with you.
You have to be willing to accept help, acknowledging that you need it.
I've confused a lot of people, burnt a lot of bridges with friends and family, because of this very thing.
I just pray, that God will rebuild the bridges that will be there when the fight is not so confusing
I pray God's Will & hand in your life.
I'm am not a licensed