Ok, I hope all are doing well. I am doing better. I've been going through so much, I had to stop and see what I needed to change. Well, I don't recommend this, but with what I have been through already, I decided to let my job go. I was getting back into a bad place for me overall and do not ever want to go back. It started to remind me of my last years at my 2nd time around at my first full time job. As much as I appreciated the people, my life was not going well. Dealing with friends and family that I had to take care of only to have some of them begin to use me/ lie to me. Not really caring or taking care of myself I had come to the point of trying to find ways to stop the pain. I was being followed, my car was being messed with. I'd come out to go to work and the hood was popped, which was not easy to do. So much and people thought I was losing it. It only made it worse, because people didn't believe me and said they didn't understand. I felt so betrayed by so many people I had to get out of there. [I finally did, I'd only been back in town for 7 years, 3 years later than this, when I did move out of town in 2008]. I had silence for a while, about a month. Then I started having bad memories, related to August, as I've mentioned before. But not because of a family member, but because of the August before, in 2004. 2004 was also the year I unknowingly became a victim of the self proclaimed demon, back in February.
So, long story short I did not want to go through that again. Even though my world changed in 2006, which I have not written about yet, but I believe there are some different creatives from that time period. I go through so much, but I know I am not alone. It seems like people everywhere are waking up to some strange and scary realizations in their lives. We wake up to realize that we are not where we wanted to be and it's time for that to change or that the world just isn't as we thought, maybe it's just age.
Lately, I was having trouble because I had to stop going to school for health reasons. In 2012 I had a childhood dream I was trying to finally realize and something in this grand universe, we'll call it the devil, evil, whatever you want to call it, pulled all stops against me and I ended up in a coma. I was on some medicine that slowly was taking away the light from me while helping to feel better physically. (Remind you of any people in your life?). I had resources available to me, things were going good, I couldn't get passed what was happening and did not know what was going on or how to stop it until after all this happened. I'm grateful for my mom for fighting for my life and those that helped. As embarrassed as I am, as much as it breaks my heart, as much as I feel it sucks that I can't take medicine to help me without terrible side effects, I am still here. So, being my stubborn self I started school a little over a month after getting out the hospital, less than a month after losing my bird baby. I also started a job after that. My body took time to wake up and get up to my normal and I got hit a little hard with reality that I am not invincible, nor immortal. I had to take a break. So, that was in October of 2013, after a medical leave of absence and many other absent days from school. I returned just the beginning of September, but was not ready and then found out I had a gas leak as well.
I still believe this is all more than a coincidence, but now, unlike in 2005, I run to God, instead of frenemies or kinemies or strangers. I am quick to let go of others, but not as quick as I have been. I believe I am more aware of what is and what isn't beneficial to me or my personal well being or safety and I work with a situation prior to leaving. I worked at a job, a friend was nice enough to help me with, to get some money in my pocket when I moved back to town in 2011. Only to have an employee touch me inappropriately. I tried to tell a female manager in confidence, who in turn must have told the others we were working with at the time. In the fast food industry, there's normally not a lot of room so it's easy to bump into someone. So when they would move back and made it blatant that they were afraid to touch me, because I might think they were being inappropriate. I felt so betrayed. Needless to say, she didn't tell the appropriate people and nothing good happened. I told another manager, in confidence, by showing him what happened on a box. He did let the supervisor know. I wasn't just hit on the but, I had fingers fondling me as the creep walked by. I couldn't believe it when it happen and it took a while for me to "Speak Out". So, what happens. I don't remember what week it was by then, but it was the last day I had worked with him. So the supervisor said they watched the video and didn't see anything, talked to him and he said he was sorry and wouldn't do it again. I doubt they got the demonstration, they didn't ask me either. I didn't see any video, nor did I get any confidence that things were really taken care of. Only, I didn't see him at work again for a while. The day he did show up, I had worked a double, basically, and was almost ready to go home, working in the first drive through window. Well, great thing technology is, I saw him come to work and he was working the front register. So, I had to hear his voice on the headset. I just wanted to jump out the window and run to my car and cry. I decided to try to work out my shift, and took my headset off. Well, a manager came back after a while and told me I needed to put it back on. It was the same one who had spoken to the supervisor. This manager was speaking for a higher manager, I believe is how it went. I tried to explain the best I could how I felt & could not handle hearing the creeps voice because of what happened. All I know is that the other manager came to me after the "helpful" manager and told me that I needed to have it on, and felt it was because she was the one telling me is why I wasn't doing it. I don't understand how people don't get it, something bad happen, the manager that knew was there and had helped me by talking to the Supervisor about the issue, but did not help me this time. Again, betrayed. I left, 27 minutes left and I left. I quit. I came back to drop my clothes off and spoke with the Head manager for the store who hired me and she didn't know my story and didn't want me to quit.
I ended up trying to work for the same owners at a different store. I tried going to try a "dream" temporary job that I just freaked out over and went back. I started to have issues with people there looking at me funny talking about me and just having an attitude, managers at that. Not all, they had some good managers. I was there to make money just like them. I was no better than them and didn't act like I was. I tried to encourage and appreciate them. I was having a hard time at home, but nobody knew or cared. I just ended up on the defense there as well and had to stop going there. I think I did a disservice to the owners by not telling the supervisor there who was causing me the problems, she'd been complained about before. Then I saw the manager I had initially reported the incident to, from the other store, working at my friends store. I don't think I've done anything wrong, but I don't know, she doesn't even talk to me like she used to. I hate that I came back here. It just feels like there are a lot of negative things working against me. Bullying is not the answer. Not even giving me a chance by asking me the appropriate questions was not the answer. I was there because I needed money, but also because I liked working there and felt bad that if people don't understand or believe me, it makes my friend look bad.
Now, I don't consider us friends, but she's someone I'm acquainted with. A lot of "close" people have become that way for me and it will just have to stay that way I guess. I keep running into things at different jobs, which I have learned to ignore. I had issues before I even moved back here. People can be evil is all I can say. I had started doing stuff there that I hadn't done before. Trying to get attention like a little kid or something. Nobody talked to me about what was going on with me and those that did, seemed to forget the truth and went along with the program. I've apologized and got no apologies. It doesn't pay out, look at my life. I see the people laughing, saying stupid stuff at me, trying to get my attention, but I keep moving forward, because it makes no sense. I haven't caused anyone to die, I am not a predator, I don't go around beating people up, I am not an offender of any kind. Even when I was at my worse, hating all there is to hate , including myself, in love with serial killer mentality, destroying myself, because nobody wanted what I really had to offer. I didn't go and destroy anybody else's property like mine was destroyed. I didn't steal from people like I was stolen from. I didn't go and take someone's innocence like mine was taken. So, I stayed on the defense and I'm the one that gets knocked down. They all can go to Hell, because that's where they are headed by going along with this behavior. Trust is a four letter word sometimes, but don't you give up, because other people have their own agendas with you. SPEAK OUT and stand up for your self. NO MORE silence. KNOW MORE about who is out there to help you versus hurt you. YOU CAN STOP THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE. Do something good for yourself. Take a Time Out if you need to.
I'm am not a licensed